somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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