People in love make me want to vomit
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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