to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
