i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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