how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
