My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
