you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
