The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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