Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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