she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
