Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
