The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Holy sore nipples Batman
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
