2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
