Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
