getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
