So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
