you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
