just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
