Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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