it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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