My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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