last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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