you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
