Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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