This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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