he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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