so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
