I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
