All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
