It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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