my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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