somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
