you turned your livingroom into a bong?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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