I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Randomize
