Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
