someone threw a dead crab at me
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
