I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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