On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
cat food counts as protein by the way
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
