Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
