Tell her she can't have a vagina
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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