Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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