Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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