Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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