If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
