do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
