He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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