i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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