You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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