If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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