I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
