I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
