I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
