I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
