I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
