you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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