hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
