My room smells like vodka and shame
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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