omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
