Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
