my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I touched a dick in church today
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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