Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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