I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
